Love Is Like Fire
Written by Amanda Trimm, MFT
What do you think of when you think of fire? Is it the campfire in the woods that you and your friends sit around, laughing and cooking marshmallows? Is it a wildfire that consumes and burns and pollutes the atmosphere? Does it raze what was there before, leaving space for eventual new life? Is it destruction? Is it creation?
When we start a fire with gasoline, it blazes toward the sky, burning bright and hot. Sounds a lot like new relationship energy, no? The fire started with gasoline is exciting (and if you’re not careful, you can get burned!). However, gasoline is not enough to keep a fire alive for the long term. Eventually, and quite quickly, the blaze will settle into something that looks like a more classic fire. It crackles merrily, and you can toast some marshmallows to golden perfection (or, if you’re that kind of person, to a crispy black char with a gooey center). But if you don’t put some more logs on it, that fire will turn to embers, smoke out, and die. And so, too, will a relationship if it is not fed. We cannot rely on inertia to keep the relationship moving, because every part of our lives will create friction, which will likely in turn lead to the relationship declining and grinding to a very unsatisfying halt.
If we want to keep a fire burning once it is lit, we need to feed it correctly. To probably oversimplify, fire feeds on the right balance of oxygen and wood (or other combustible materials). Healthy boundaries, closeness, collaboration, intimacy, assertive communication, tactful honesty, and trust are just some of the things that are oxygen and wood for a relationship. It’s valid if what you want is a gasoline blaze kind of relationship (just make that clear to your partner(s)). If you want a fire that burns warmly, safely, and brightly for longer, consider what your relationship needs for fuel. Whether you are currently in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship(s), or want to look for that in your future, actively identifying the contexts and behaviors that keep your relationship fueled is paramount for your fire’s survival.
A relationship therapist is like that one person you know who not only knows the best methods to keep a fire burning all night, but can also help give you the skills to arrange your fire’s foundation (cone versus pyramid versus log cabin anyone?) for maximum burn. Your relationship doesn’t have to be in embers before you seek help to keep it ablaze. Often you just need to figure out the combustibles you might be missing to get that fire back on track!
Note: Please don’t throw gasoline on a fire at home or in the woods. You can get seriously injured, start wildfires, and I don’t think the fire department would approve.