4 Communication Mishaps in Relationships, and How to Fix Them
Written by Amanda Trimm, MFT
There are a multitude of ways that we communicate with each other. Some of them make us feel loved and respected, some we don’t think about, and some leave us feeling disconnected, confused, and angry. Today, we’ll discuss four modes of unhealthy communication, and how to fix them. These modes of communication are also known as The Four Horsemen of a Relationship, conceptualized by Drs. Julie and John Gottman, expert relationship researchers and therapists.
Criticism - in this style of communication, we go beyond complaining, and enter the territory of unkindness toward another. A complaint, which is a healthy and necessary aspect of communication, focuses on a person’s behavior and how it impacts us. Criticism, however, starts tearing into the content of a person’s character.
THE FIX: A gentle startup using “I statements,” and sharing positive needs. An “I” statement is telling another person how you are feeling. “When someone doesn’t follow through with something they said they would, I feel overwhelmed.” An effective “I” statement focuses on the person sharing the complaint; state the facts of what happened, state the emotion(s) you felt, and why it made you feel that way (did the action or situation hit on an old wound? What lens of your experience was it being filtered through?) “I feel like you’re a bad partner,” is a “you” statement in disguise. So is, “I hate it when you don’t wash the dishes.” A positive need is something you find helpful, or something you would like to see.
Contempt - this takes criticism to the next level. This is when our non-verbal and verbal communication work in tandem to express insult or abuse. This may include eye rolling, scoffing, name-calling, rude gestures, sarcasm, etc. The Gottmans found this to be the greatest predictor of divorce in married couples if it went left unaddressed.
THE FIX: Building a culture of appreciation. Remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities. Find gratitude for the things that they do. Find opportunities to turn toward each other and have positive interactions. The Gottmans found that the golden ratio for a strong relationship was 20 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction (at minimum for a relationship to survive there needs to be, on average, a ratio of 5 positive interactions to every 1 negative interaction). Fill those emotional bank accounts!
Defensiveness - this is when we take a victim stance and reverse the blame. At this point, we get so caught up in being “right” that we are no longer able to hear what our partner is trying to express, and this may cause partners to turn away from each other when a partner is making a bid for comfort or support.
THE FIX: Take accountability. This doesn’t necessarily mean that we take responsibility for the entirety of a situation, as often it does take two to tango. However, it is important to recognize that each individual plays a role in communication and in a relationship. When we are able to recognize and acknowledge the impact that we have on another person and why that might be the case, it allows us to better hear our partner, or to better be heard by our partner. It can create softness and vulnerability that allows an interaction to progress in a healthy, functional way.
Stonewalling - this is when we get so overwhelmed with emotion that our mind and bodies essentially shut down. This is called physiological flooding. It can look like turning away, becoming silent, withdrawing, distancing, and separating in order to avoid conflict or show disapproval.
THE FIX: Self-soothing. This is a time to spend 20 minutes, at minimum, doing something that distracts and calms you. During this time you should avoid ruminating on righteous indignation or thoughts of victimhood. Self-soothing activities can be activities like taking a walk, taking a bath, breathing, reading a book, listening to music, or whatever helps you feel calmer. When taking this intentional break, set a time frame and return to the conversation after that time (usually it isn’t recommended to go longer than 24 hours). It could be a good idea for partners to identify together the ways in which a self-soothing break will be communicated and accepted BEFORE a conflict has arisen.
These are some of the common communication issues we see in relationship therapy, as well as the tried and true methods of improving the ways in which partners relate to and communicate with each other. If you’d like support in developing these skills, couples therapy can help!