Reacting or Responding?
By Amanda Trimm, MFT
When I work with clients around communication, I like to teach the difference between reacting and responding. Learning the difference between the two can be a vital component of a more healthy, functional relationship (whether it’s romantic or sexual relationships, family relationships, friendships, or even working relationships).
What is reacting?
We all have reactions to things. A reaction is something that is very automatic and instinctual. Internal reactions can lead to external reactions, which I look at as behaviors that are done based on emotions, without much thought of consequences. From an IFS perspective, we would say this is when someone becomes blended with a protector who senses a threat and acts on their behalf.
What are some negative consequences of reactivity in relationships?
There are many ways reactivity can be helpful, such as ducking if a ball is hit toward you at a baseball game. The reaction will hopefully save you from getting hit, thereby avoiding harm. However, in a relationship heightened levels of reactivity can look like criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling, avoidance of issues, lack of personal accountability, manipulation, raised voices, and in some more extreme cases property damage, substance abuse, and interpersonal violence. These behaviors can result in lack of trust, lowered self esteem, fractured relationships, social isolation, reactivity from the other person, and in more extreme cases, run-ins with the legal system or trauma.
What is responding?
Responding is intentional. It can happen even with an internal reaction. Responding is when a person notices their internal reaction and takes a beat, considers what might have made that internal reaction occur, and makes a mindful decision about how to interact with the other person in a way that is more informed and thoughtful.
What are some consequences of responding in relationships?
Responding in a situation can help maintain respect between people. A person can feel more in control of their emotions and behaviors and be more confident in their social interactions with others. It can also help people hear each other better and create understading. If I can show you I’m hearing you, you’re more likely to hear me.
How to respond instead of react:
Go into interactions with an intention to be curious, not with an intention to defend yourself. This can help you understand what the other person is trying to share with you, increase trust, and perhaps even create a little more inner peace.
Use reflective listening. Repeat back to your partner what they’re saying to you. Let them know what your interpretation of what they said is, and give them an opportunity to correct any assumptions you may have made that don’t line up with what they were trying to express.
Pause before giving feedback or answering (play the tapes). Don’t base your behavior and communication on your initial reaction. Recognize when you are interpreting a situation based on your worldview, particularly if you know your partner is coming from a different worldview. Use tools to help you challenge any automatic thoughts that are based on your assumptions or your past experiences. If you experience a flare of anger or anxiety, don’t say anything right away. Pause and take a deep breath. Let the person know you’re really considering what they’re saying or that you’re having a reaction that you don’t understand yet, and you’ll get back to them (to respond) when you do.
Take a break and/or self-soothe. If you are too overwhelmed with emotion at that moment, taking a break can help. To most successfully take a break: let your partner know that you want to have this conversation and recognize in this moment you are too overwhelmed to be present in the way you want to be; let your partner know when you will come back to the conversation - you should take at least 20 minutes to yourself to self-soothe, but not longer than 24 hours. Return to the conversation when you are grounded and soothed. Coming back together will show follow through and build trust in the partnership. This works best if you and your partner have talked about taking breaks before conflict occurs.