Internal Family Systems and Kink: Embracing the Multiplicity of Desire
Looking at how IFS concepts can aid in understanding and embracing the complexity of one's desires and fantasies within the realm of kink.
By Netta Sadovsky, LSW
Many of us struggle to know and name our desires. And even if we can identify the content, our desires—especially sexual desires—can be a source of shame and consternation. Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers powerful tools for identifying, understanding, and dethorning even taboo or contradictory desires.
IFS is a unique therapeutic approach that understands individuals as being comprised of many different “parts,” each with their own desires, thoughts, emotions, and roles in the overall system. Please find longer descriptions of IFS therapy here on our blog and here on the IFS website.
In dialogue with kink and sexual desire, IFS offers that our sexual desires may be specific to certain parts, and are not necessarily shared or understood by the rest of our parts. For example: let’s say Helga and Jennifer are a couple, and Helga has devoted most of her life to advocating for women’s bodily autonomy. This political, moral, and ethical position may be the number one priority for Helga’s public-facing, adult parts. Nevertheless, the bulk of Helga’s sexual energy seems to originate in a part who wants to play a controlling role relative to other women. The polarization between this part and Helga’s other parts causes Helga to experience intense shame. She has developed a strategy of internally shunning the part with the sexual desire to resolve this shame. Her relationship with Jennifer is suffering because Helga rarely expresses an interest in sex, and when they do have sex, Helga seems to be in her own world.
IFS therapy can help Helga by assisting her in the act of bringing compassionate, loving attention to the parts involved in these patterns. First, Helga and her therapist would get to know the needs and concerns of the parts who feel ashamed of the part who wants to dominate Jennifer. They would listen to those parts’ concerns, and negotiate with them to help them contend with and normalize the paradoxes of kinky desires. Eventually, with those parts’ permission, Helga and the therapist would spend time with the part who wants to dominate Jennifer, and relieve it of its exiled position, ushering it into safe, consensual, and desirable ways to live out its fantasies. Over time, this will allow Helga to release resentment and mistrust between her different parts, restoring harmony and functionality to her internal system as a whole. Through this process, Helga can discover ways to safely and consentingly express her sexuality without betraying either her partner or herself.
Maybe you’re struggling with shame about a secret fantasy, or have a partner who is kinky and you’re uncomfortable with it; maybe you have an ongoing fetish-based relationship that leaves you feeling icky and ashamed, or feel a nagging friction between your sexual desires and your values. Consider reaching out to get therapeutic support befriending the parts of you involved in these challenges.