Internal Consent: Comparing the Toolkits of IFS and BDSM Consent Culture
Exploring how internal negotiations and agreements between different parts-of-self can align with the principles of consent in BDSM.
By Netta Sadovsky, LSW
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy can be particularly helpful for people who practice BDSM, because of the way IFS views people as being composed of different psychological “parts,” rather than a singular self. This approach is useful for helping to bring compassion to our kinky parts and their desires, and to help make sense of the complexities of the consent process for BDSM scenes. Please find longer descriptions of IFS therapy here on our blog and here on the IFS website.
BDSM and IFS are compatible bedfellows in various ways, including that both offer powerful toolkits for negotiating consent between beings with complex and sometimes contradicting preferences.
BDSM—an acronym commonly understood to stand for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance and Submission, and Sadomasochism—functions as an umbrella term for a variety of kinky desires and practices. These may include inequitable power dynamics, eroticized violence, and other exchanges that involve fantasies of non-consent and coercion.
Because so many of the desires expressed in BDSM are dangerous and antisocial outside the theater of fantasy and role-playing, it is seen as critical to bring care, intentionality, and skillfulness to the practice of negotiating consent between partners before any BDSM-related scene is first explored. Failure to do so may leave partners at extreme emotional and physical risk. There is quite a bit of generational knowledge contained in the BDSM discourse about how to conduct such delicate negotiations around consent, care, and trust—and this knowledge can be compared and seen through the lens of IFS therapy.
When potential partners are contemplating a BDSM relationship, they will often first have a relatively formal, sober conversation in which they share their desires, experiences, curiosities, fears, and hard and soft limits. While this negotiation might be fun, the sobriety element is important. Many BDSM practitioners make use of spreadsheets, lists, contracts, and other communicational & organizational tools to help facilitate the formality of the negotiation process.
IFS has similar rituals for negotiation polarizations, and through the lens of IFS, this contracting process can be seen as a way to bridge the desires and preferences of many parts of someone. This may include the erotic part that wants to be tied up and handled however their partner chooses, and the medically-anxious part that wants to make sure their partner does not touch that sensitive area in their lower back. If the negotiation were not so methodical and sober, the erotic parts might consent to things other parts aren’t comfortable with.
When we intentionally balance the desires, vulnerabilities, fears, and limits of different people, or parts of people, we cultivate a greater sense of safety and trust that, in turn, allow for more calculated risk. This enables us to pursue our desires with both greater vulnerability and greater protection. And the outcome of such calculated risk can include deeper satisfaction, connection, and healing. Far from lessening the fun, BDSM consent rituals teach us how greater safety enables us to explore our edges and limits with more depth, creativity, and resilience. The same is true for IFS therapy. As our parts learn to trust and negotiate well with one another, we may soon develop the ability to take conscious risks that allow us to pursue our innermost desires with more authenticity, playfulness, and pleasure.