6 Tips for Busy Non-Monogamous Relationships
As I’m sure we’ve all experienced, scheduling as an adult can feel a puzzle where the pieces never quite fit! It can become even more complicated when trying to schedule with more than one person, especially more than one partner or date. Here are 6 tips to help make spending time with your loved ones easier, so you can focus on your relationships and not on your calendars.
Consistency - having a routine “date night” can help ease the shuffle of scheduling and the anxiety of having to plan. Knowing that you’ll be seeing someone each Thursday evening means you can structure your day around that and have time to decide how you’ll spend the night with them.
Calendar sharing - this is especially helpful if you are living with someone and/or if you are caretakers for anyone. Having a shared calendar means the other people can see when you’ll be available, who is feeding the pet or using the car, and any potential upcoming conflicts. This helps avoid excessive repetitive communication about when and who and what, since it’s all laid out in color on your phone or wall. Google calendar is popular for this!
Be flexible - no schedule remains fixed, no matter how hard we try. Having the mindset of flexibility and adaptability can help shift a conflict from a level 5 to a level 1. However it’s also important to keep in mind that this goes both ways - one person should not always be accommodating the other person unless that dynamic has been previously established and consented to. Which ties into number four…
Communicate clearly - a general rule for any relationship is “you can’t expect to have what you want if you don’t ask for what you want” or, in shorter terms, “use your words”. This is even more important when in a non-monogamous relationship since there are multiple people with multiple needs and expectations. Instead of saying “that new restaurant looks really cool” and expecting someone to infer you want to go, try “this new restaurant opened up and I’d really like to try it with you, can we schedule that for our next date night?”. The directness of that statement as opposed to the first can help avoid confusion and hurt feelings, as well as scheduling conflicts or double booking!
Forget “Fairness” - it’s easy to fall into the trap of centering “fairness” when dating multiple people. However what’s fair for one person is not necessarily fair for another, so basing all of your relationships on that concept will only lead to disappointment. If one partner needs or wants to see you twice a week, while another needs once a month, then the fair split is exactly that: meeting those (and your) needs. The focus should not be on making things feel “even”, but on making sure everyone’s needs and wants are being communicated and considered.
Learn to say No - the ability to check in with yourself and notice when a boundary is being crossed or your schedule is too full is incredibly important, and can prevent burnout and friction within your relationships. If your work hours suddenly shift, or custody changes, or even if you just need a night to yourself you need to be able to communicate that to a partner/date. You can learn a lot about a person by setting a boundary, and sometimes saying “no” can clue you into an unhealthy dynamic or mismatched expectations.
Hopefully these tips help make the process of juggling calendars and dates a little easier!